A Queen's Diary
I’m Tired. I am living “the dream”, well, “my dream”. I remember in my early teenage years when I use to daydream about what I’d like my future family to look like and what I wanted my life to look like. I dreamed of being married to a man that loves God above everything else, and having boys, yes, I dreamed of having boys! I also use to dream about creating an atmosphere of peace for my family, I remember praying that my home would be a “safe place” –one that whenever we needed a peaceful place to be, we would think of “home”. God has giving me that. My name is Adrihen, I have been married for almost 10 years and we have two amazing, very energetic boys. Our home is our safe place, and no I’m not referring to a physical place, our home is us, family. So, yes, my life seems to be close to perfect and I am eternally grateful to God for the gift of my family, but the reality is that most of the time I feel exhausted. I feel tired. Not tired of my family, just tired all together. It’s as if the responsibility that comes with this amazing blessing was almost too much to carry. I love my boys, but oh if I can just have half of their energy! I often struggle with my own exhaustion, because you know: “ I should be smiling and glowing with content that my life is so blessed, I should be more grateful, I should focus on the positive, I can’t break down or I shouldn’t, come on Adrihen, get it together, you have no right to complain”.
For many years I have been in “superhero” mode. Whenever I felt tired, I wouldn’t verbalize it (I mean, that’s weak, right?), whenever I felt like I needed a break, I would shake it off and keep going, I would even throw in a bible verse to justify my actions (like “I can do all things through Christ”). The truth is that culture thought me that I shouldn’t feel this way, “every woman does it”, no one seem to complain, so I have no right to feel like I reached the end of myself. On top of it all, hubby helps a lot, so there you go, what excuse do I have? Suck it up and keep going right? This was my line of thinking for so many years. Too many unspoken emotions; too much hiding my feelings, too much energy wasted in trying to keep an image of holding it all together. I was bone tired. All of this made me bitter after time, even resentful. But something happened. God intervened. You know there is a problem when your own son asks you constantly, “Nom why are you angry at me?” Even more surprising, I was surprised to hear him say that! “I was fine, I felt normal, I wasn’t angry”. It’s interesting the way that living with everything bottled up inside can become so normal to us, that being constantly exhausted and drained has become so normal in our society that we are not aware of the damage it’s causing us and our family. But after a few of those episodes I had with my son I started questioning myself.
I started asking God, to look into my heart and show me what was wrong, and he did! I was never good at verbalizing my feelings or thoughts. For one I thought people would think I’m losing my mind, and second, I just didn’t see how it would change anything). God started teaching me, the first thing God showed me was that the weight of my blessing, the responsibility of my blessing was indeed supposed to be too heavy for me to carry. You see, it I was never designed to carry it alone. God will never give you something that will make you “independent” of Him. He told me, “daughter, let go, and let me in, you were never created to carry that weight. That is why you are so tired, so weary, so drained.” The bible says: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest – Matthew 11:28. Life can take a toll on us, sometimes it just seems like too much, other times it’s just too painful, and it all can seem so dark. But the peace that I discovered when I received the revelation that God, The Creator of the universe is interested in every aspect of my life, He is interested In my day to day duties, he cares about what stresses me out, and he desires for us to live a healthy, peaceful, joyful life. No, I don’t have to have it all together, I just have to believe that He has it all together for me (Romans 8:28 reads: And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God).
When I am tired, I take a break, a break from it all. It seemed so hard at first, I mean, how would things get done, or I would think that everything would fall apart if I took a few hours to recharge. Leaning on God and letting go is a hard process to learn, I’m still learning. I still find myself in “superhero mode” from time to time, but when I realize it, I stop myself from going any further. The world will not stop spinning because you stop to take a break and breathe. I learned that in reality I was only causing harm not just to myself, but to my family as well. I can serve my family better when I am at my best state of mind, I can be the best me when I am recharged and rested. Yes, it is normal to get tired but it is not normal to “stay tired”. There is nothing wrong with admitting that we are not superheroes, we don’t have it all together, it’s ok to breakdown, it is ok to be weak (in 2 Corinthians 12:9 the bible says: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness).
Let’s ask God to change our mentality and ask him to give us the mind of Christ, a mind that understands that we depend on God for everything and anything. Let’s pray for a mind that has the ability to grasp the fact that we are in this world, but we are not from here, we are here on an assignment. Let’s pray that God enable us to see further than what our physical eyes can see, and that we may not fall for the devil’s scheme which is to distract us and make us weary, to make us constantly exhausted with our day to day tasks so that we are too tired to fight the “real battle”. Yes, there is a real battle that we are fighting daily whether we are aware or not, the battle is against your purpose, the battle is against your destiny, the battle is against your family. I was too distracted in my own world, I was too distracted in my exhaustion, BUT GOD!! I pray today, that God may awaken the warrior in you, that he may open your eyes and give you the courage to get up and be the woman God created you to be. Lean on Him, don’t carry the weight of life on your shoulders, let go, and let God.
Queen Adrihen Genao
Wife, Mama, Blessed