A Queen's Diary
The 13th of October marks 9 years since you were called home. Everyday without you is hard, but this month seems to be filled with much more pain because it's breast cancer awareness month . Even though you didn't have 'breast' cancer, in my eyes, cancer is cancer! Seems like just yesterday that I received the life changing news, which what was first diagnosed as a gum abscess that had swallowen into the size a golf ball knot in your throat. Later after testing, the results said that it was cancer. Oh how my heart ached that day and with no knowledge or understanding of what we were up against or what was to come. I watched you fight day and night. From months of chemotherapy to radiation treatment... Then the 'big chop' .....but you wore it boldly and beautifully. I remember you calling every night that the pain wasn't too hard to bare to pray with the girls and I. Being strong for them because they were too young to understand. I've watched you go through so much and witnessed you overcome so many trials in your lifetime, so I knew that this was just another stepping stone. Little did I know, that in four short months, God would call you home, releasing you from the pain and cares of this world. I don't care what anyone says, you could never be prepared to lose someone you love. For years I've had my moments, but I honestly don't think I've fully grieved. October seems to be the worst month ever. Pink ribbons and t-shirts seemed to honor what took you away for us. However, as I got older, I came to realize that we live our life for others and we overcome and heal from sharing our experiences with others. Cancer has affected so many families and I want to do my part in raising honor and awareness. So what's usually a not so good month for me is a reminder that your battle was not in vain and somewhere someone is overcoming. You are proof that pain and even fear pushes you to do some amazing things. I wear pink and walk in honor of you mom, because even pain, as bad as is hurts, has a purpose.
Love you Mom!
Ladies do yourself a favor, when ex-wives and ex-girlfriends try to warn you of extreme insecurity and controlling behavior...don't ignore them! Don't ignore the very obvious red flags that he shows to you. Don't convince yourself that these things will get better because they will only get worse!! When all is said and done, you'll realize that person has managed to successfully alienate you from your friends and even your own "family". They manipulate you day by day and will use your past traumatic experiences and sheltered childhood to disguise the reasoning for their controlling. I grew up in a very nice area, and Syracuse could NEVER come anywhere close to where I'm from. This whole area was just ghetto and trashy to me. Well that was his key to scaring me from going anywhere outside of our home; not to Walmart or even the library. I would go to the mall from time to time, but I'd be prepared to video chat him on demand after he evaluates what I'm wearing and tries talking me out of going to the mall by telling me people are robbing, shooting and stabbing each other there.
I had a traumatic experience a few years ago that he was aware of. That was his golden ticket to justify why he was abusing his police powers by looking up any and every male that crossed my path, including my coworkers and classmates. He took pictures of male coworkers license plates and screenshots of Facebook profile names to run their information at work which was the "norm," once he got comfortable. If he was truly doing this in good faith, he would've look up females as well.
3 weeks ago I realized if I allowed this extreme insecurity and controlling behavior to continue, I may become a missing person in the future. I say that because this behavior wasn't getting better, it was getting WAY worse! That is when I told him I wanted a divorce. There have been many happy times, but overall, this relationship has been the most miserable and stressful relationship I've EVERVbeen in. Yes we took happy pictures, but that goes to show you, you never truly know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm very strong-minded and independent. I'm not one to be controlled, but I allowed it without even realizing it. I can only imagine how bad things would have been if I didn't have my own income, and solely depended on him.
The truth hurts, and people aren't always who you think they are. I'm was normally pretty private about my relationship problems, and he was QUITE the opposite. I've asked him to keep this private, but he couldn't wait to tell the whole world. I've been biting my tongue through his false accusations of me in his attempt to justify his extreme insecurity and controlling issues. I've been trying to keep the peace and play nicely through this divorce, but I'm done being quiet to protect his image and keeping the peace for him. I'm DONE!
DO NOT IGNORE EX'S AND RED FLAGS!
-Queen Jacquelene Ivana
Through it all, I smile. I’m a Queen, a mother, a fiancè and an entrepreneur. At times, it gets overwhelming, it gets hard and there are so many distractions in society. As a teen, I became a victim of rape by a close family member. Having to see that person continuously afterwards, and not being able to just take myself from that situation, I make it my business to pay attention and LISTEN to my daughters. I make it my business to make them feel comfortable enough to come to me about anything. I’m still healing. It’s still a fear of mine that their innocence could be taken away by a heartless human being so I hold them tight. I turned my pain into passion. I write, I make natural healing soaps, I express myself to help heal and free others out of the dark places that I once experienced. I’m going to be the one that breaks the generational curses in my family. I have young Queens depending on me to make their situation better. Although, I’m not where I want to be financially, we have each other. I moved my babies away to give them better and I won’t stop until they’re in a position to win. I teach them that their voices are more than just words. They are out here to make a difference. In everything we do, we LOVE and thank God for all we have and are at peace with all that we have yet to receive. I teach them the importance of gratitude and being thankful. My journey is tough. I experienced many trials along the way but this is just God's way of preparing me for what I deserve. I will keep going because He gave me a gift with a purpose fueld by passion as an outlet. Crying and continuing to push through my pain has taught me patience. I've learned to be happy in the midst of my journey, otherwise I'd miss out on life thinking that happiness is in the next place. I come up with plans and I keep my faith as I follow them. Q.R.E. creations was built on pain and I made it my passion which became my outlet. My daughters saved me. Q.R.E. creations saved me.
C.E.O. of Q.R.E. Creations
I’m Tired. I am living “the dream”, well, “my dream”. I remember in my early teenage years when I use to daydream about what I’d like my future family to look like and what I wanted my life to look like. I dreamed of being married to a man that loves God above everything else, and having boys, yes, I dreamed of having boys! I also use to dream about creating an atmosphere of peace for my family, I remember praying that my home would be a “safe place” –one that whenever we needed a peaceful place to be, we would think of “home”. God has giving me that. My name is Adrihen, I have been married for almost 10 years and we have two amazing, very energetic boys. Our home is our safe place, and no I’m not referring to a physical place, our home is us, family. So, yes, my life seems to be close to perfect and I am eternally grateful to God for the gift of my family, but the reality is that most of the time I feel exhausted. I feel tired. Not tired of my family, just tired all together. It’s as if the responsibility that comes with this amazing blessing was almost too much to carry. I love my boys, but oh if I can just have half of their energy! I often struggle with my own exhaustion, because you know: “ I should be smiling and glowing with content that my life is so blessed, I should be more grateful, I should focus on the positive, I can’t break down or I shouldn’t, come on Adrihen, get it together, you have no right to complain”.
For many years I have been in “superhero” mode. Whenever I felt tired, I wouldn’t verbalize it (I mean, that’s weak, right?), whenever I felt like I needed a break, I would shake it off and keep going, I would even throw in a bible verse to justify my actions (like “I can do all things through Christ”). The truth is that culture thought me that I shouldn’t feel this way, “every woman does it”, no one seem to complain, so I have no right to feel like I reached the end of myself. On top of it all, hubby helps a lot, so there you go, what excuse do I have? Suck it up and keep going right? This was my line of thinking for so many years. Too many unspoken emotions; too much hiding my feelings, too much energy wasted in trying to keep an image of holding it all together. I was bone tired. All of this made me bitter after time, even resentful. But something happened. God intervened. You know there is a problem when your own son asks you constantly, “Nom why are you angry at me?” Even more surprising, I was surprised to hear him say that! “I was fine, I felt normal, I wasn’t angry”. It’s interesting the way that living with everything bottled up inside can become so normal to us, that being constantly exhausted and drained has become so normal in our society that we are not aware of the damage it’s causing us and our family. But after a few of those episodes I had with my son I started questioning myself.
I started asking God, to look into my heart and show me what was wrong, and he did! I was never good at verbalizing my feelings or thoughts. For one I thought people would think I’m losing my mind, and second, I just didn’t see how it would change anything). God started teaching me, the first thing God showed me was that the weight of my blessing, the responsibility of my blessing was indeed supposed to be too heavy for me to carry. You see, it I was never designed to carry it alone. God will never give you something that will make you “independent” of Him. He told me, “daughter, let go, and let me in, you were never created to carry that weight. That is why you are so tired, so weary, so drained.” The bible says: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest – Matthew 11:28. Life can take a toll on us, sometimes it just seems like too much, other times it’s just too painful, and it all can seem so dark. But the peace that I discovered when I received the revelation that God, The Creator of the universe is interested in every aspect of my life, He is interested In my day to day duties, he cares about what stresses me out, and he desires for us to live a healthy, peaceful, joyful life. No, I don’t have to have it all together, I just have to believe that He has it all together for me (Romans 8:28 reads: And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God).
When I am tired, I take a break, a break from it all. It seemed so hard at first, I mean, how would things get done, or I would think that everything would fall apart if I took a few hours to recharge. Leaning on God and letting go is a hard process to learn, I’m still learning. I still find myself in “superhero mode” from time to time, but when I realize it, I stop myself from going any further. The world will not stop spinning because you stop to take a break and breathe. I learned that in reality I was only causing harm not just to myself, but to my family as well. I can serve my family better when I am at my best state of mind, I can be the best me when I am recharged and rested. Yes, it is normal to get tired but it is not normal to “stay tired”. There is nothing wrong with admitting that we are not superheroes, we don’t have it all together, it’s ok to breakdown, it is ok to be weak (in 2 Corinthians 12:9 the bible says: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness).
Let’s ask God to change our mentality and ask him to give us the mind of Christ, a mind that understands that we depend on God for everything and anything. Let’s pray for a mind that has the ability to grasp the fact that we are in this world, but we are not from here, we are here on an assignment. Let’s pray that God enable us to see further than what our physical eyes can see, and that we may not fall for the devil’s scheme which is to distract us and make us weary, to make us constantly exhausted with our day to day tasks so that we are too tired to fight the “real battle”. Yes, there is a real battle that we are fighting daily whether we are aware or not, the battle is against your purpose, the battle is against your destiny, the battle is against your family. I was too distracted in my own world, I was too distracted in my exhaustion, BUT GOD!! I pray today, that God may awaken the warrior in you, that he may open your eyes and give you the courage to get up and be the woman God created you to be. Lean on Him, don’t carry the weight of life on your shoulders, let go, and let God.
Queen Adrihen Genao
Wife, Mama, Blessed
It's funny how we could easily fall into bad habits but it takes so much more to get out of them. It's like allowing your grades to slip in school and having to work 10 times harder to get them up. It's so easy to fall of course from your plans, patterns and schedules. We become so consumed with the agenda we've written out for our lives. Some of us have our days planned out in our minds and if one thing fails to go the way we planned, our whole day is ruined. We have to learn that plans are just that, plans! Plans can and will change along life's journey. Our idea of the achieving each goal in our plans may not be the correct protocol. Some plans change for the good and some plans change just to get our attention. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you shouldn't have a plan. I believe we all need guidance in our lives or we won't know where we are going and what steps that may be needed to get us there. The older I get, the more I realize that I have to allow things to fall in and out my plans and just adjust to them. It's better to have a blueprint than to be caught up in life without one. Let's just say you spilled a cup of coffee on your rough draft, or worse, you've misplaced your rough draft right before an important business meeting. It's ok to start over! it's ok to plan again! Plans are our ideas of achievements leading to our end goals. Although things happen and plans change, unexpected realignment will eventually put you on the right path to get you to where you are supposed to be. We have to keep in mind the motivation that fueled us to make these plans in the first place.
To be different....what does it really mean? It’s simply looking, being or doing things like no other. As a child, I've always been a bit different from others, whether that be in my appearance, my attitude or personality. Often that came with bullying and teasing. I’ve dealt with it most of my life and always tried to, ‘Fit In’. But right around my senior year in college, I came to see that I was indeed different and that was ok. I had to realize that God created me to His liking and in His image. Once you realize that there is no one else like you and you’re unique and special in your own way......Own it and embrace it! It was a long journey but I’m happy with who I am and I love being different!
P.s- Remember God broke the mold when he created you!
Sometimes it’s hard for me to truly share how I’m feeling. I’m so use to keeping my emotions bottled up inside until I erupt like a volcano. It started to reflect in my relationship with God and I was operating as an abandoned orphan and treating Him like He would leave me like everyone else. But then He reminded me in 1 Peter 5:7 to “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” I now realize that God cares for me so there should be no reason I can’t come to Him and share what’s on my heart. Only way I can truly be open to Him is if I stop seeing Him through the lens of those who mishandled my vulnerability. He is NOT them!!! I don’t have to have this wall up all the time and be anxious. I believe there are people that He will divinely connect me with that truly have my best interest.
Prayer: So Father right now, deal with my heart. Deal with my rejection from people and posture me to be able to be vulnerable again. I will no longer subscribe to this cycle of brokenness. In Jesus name, AMEN.
- Queen Vency L. Haynes
One of the hard truths in life is that true growth will require you to endure some discomfort. If you want to build muscles you lift weights and the next day your arms feel like jelly. Your biceps and triceps will ache so badly that you would barely be able to raise your hands above your head. However, the harder you work, the more time you put in and the more consistent you are in your efforts, those muscles will grow. Growing pains are inevitable and necessary to achieve your goals. Constructive discomfort is good. It is a sign that you are moving towards your ambitions. I said all that to simply say, this year when you feel that discomfort push through the pain. Keep in mind that the discomfort you are feeling, that pain you are experiencing, is a sign that you are making progress and your goals are closer that they feel.
Happy New Year Queen!!!
In this year, I've learned to have patience in my process. Sometimes God will put a stop to YOUR plans in the craziest ways that would make you question your faith, not realizing that He may be protecting you from unseen tragedies. What I do know is, that my detour was designed. I've learned to have patience with myself. Tirelessly chasing your goals at anything more than the speed of God could only end in failure. We expect blessings overnight that we aren't even prepared to receive. You want a new house... can you comfortably afford it? You're tired of being single... are you equipped to be a committed husband or a submissive wife? Your bank account is overdrawn... have you tried training for higher-paid positions or budgeting? Your life is in shambles....have you tried positive thinking or are you busy playing victim?
Yes, you see everybody around you being blessed but that's because it's THEIR season; be happy for them. Your time will come, just don't lose hope and never stop praying. The very disruption that shook your faith may be the very thing to lead you to places you could never see had God allowed you to go through with YOUR plan. Continue to walk in integrity, dont lose your ambition... God will handle the rest.
If you want to be successful in, you can google self-help remedies and most of it suggest to, ‘Fake It Til’ You Make It.’ If you want to be a great business person, fake it til you make it. If you want to seem more confident, fake it til you make it. But what about your happiness? Should it apply to being happy? We live in a busy world where at times it can seem as if we are just going through the motions to make it to the end of the day, to the end of the week, or even the next hour. With life’s distractions sometimes our own personal well being is put on the back burner to make sure we are able to just make it through. Taking care of the kids, working 40 plus hours at work, taking college courses and working two part time jobs or what ever reality has given you. I woke up and asked myself... Am I faking my happiness so others aren't uncomfortable? Others that count on my happiness as validation that they are happy. I don't want to disappoint them so let me at least fake it today, eventually I will be. It can be so overwhelming at times. I am realizing that maybe I am so good at faking happiness that I truly have bought into my own lie. Having a successful career, business degrees, a marriage of over 20 years, meaningful friendships, great kids, beautiful house, luxury car everything that I thought would make me happy in life I have it, so why am I still pretending to be happy? It has taken brutal self reflection to see that I have to step back from what other people view to be the perfect happy life and find me, and what makes me truly happy. I know that being perfect or portraying a perfect life does not mean a happy life all the time. I am working on being happy. I am working on me and taking time out for myself, first instead of last. I want to be able to be a strong role model and mentor for young women and not feel as if I am selling a story, but my truth. And that truth is, I am no longer able to fake it...I am working on making it, I am working on me.